It's messy...

I'm a mess...
if you have ever seen Grey's Anatomy...think Meredith's family and boyfriend problems, Izzie's cheerful naive disposition and George's perpetual confusion....and you have me.

that is a mess

i recognize i am a mess now and guess what
i embrace it!

It's me, and i'm young, i'm not supposed to have this life all figured out yet!
I'm not supposed to be a successful career minded individaul on my way to a perfect little nuclear family with a nice cushy job.
My childhood wasn't like that so why should my future look like that

My family is dysfunctional...its true...and i mean really...our issues have issues of their own.
such is life...whatever you have to play the cards your dealt....only cheaters cheat

So here i sit with my messy life...its inconvienent and more then annoying, especially when i go to bed at night with a mind full of all the unsolved problems i have going on....

but at Church today i heard a passage that really opened it all up for me...its Proverbs 29:18 :"Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint."

There are times in my life that i let loose, i mean i do whatever it is that pops into my little idiot mind....and i can safely and honestly say it has rarely ended well.
The times that it has ended well is because i was following Gods guidance and taking a leap of crazy faith. FOr example, swimming for 17 years and then trying out for the pole vault team in track and field with no experience
That was one of the best things i have ever done...but i did with with God's guidance and grace. It was a faith based thing

However, i have all too often let myself go free with no restraints...(for example think along the lines of Meredith Grey dating her boss...)thinking that is how life should be lived...thanks to society's standards (sometimes i watch too many dumb movies and tv shows)

When i do that...i loose sight of my values, my morals, my talents, my abilities, and my goals...i'm just out their floating in a world of nothingness..acheiveing nothing!

Its sad.

So i'm working on being patient and waiting for my revelation from God...my guidance as to what i should do....so that i can be proactive and race towards the life he wants me to have.

And yah...at times waiting on God can be messy and frustrating...like now....when im in the-- graduated from school...but have no job...in a recession...not going to Grad school for a year....what do i do now???-- kind of vaccum.

So yes, i'm a mess...

but hey...God's working on a masterpeice with me, if you dont like what you see then dont look till i'm finished!

xox
J