Boy...friend?

SO,
i'm the kind of girl that doesn't stand for fake, flimsy, or failing frienships,
and i know it sounds harsh, but i like to cut my losses as soon as possible and move on
life is much to hard without people dragging you down, as bad friends tend to do.
But the friendship that i just recently had to cut out of my life, nearly broke me
He's a sweet great guy, i've searched my whole life for a friendship like this.
We agree on almost nothing at all..and we argue about our beliefs and have discussions that last until dawn.
We have little in common, coming from two completely different backgrounds and worlds.
He is terrific.
But we broke.
You know when a relationship just isn't the way it used to be? that is what happened.
We started talking about nothing, awkward silences ruled our time together, and we started legitimately fighting and getting angry with each other.
He started to ignore my feelings and concerns and i did the same to him.
We just broke.
And i can't fix what's broken because what is broken is that he is in love with me.

Dont get me wrong guys and girls can clearly be friends...all my closest friends are men...(or boys...their maturity level changes hourly)
But when a guy falls in love with you, and you dont return the sentiment...in most cases i have found...it is so over.

He doesn't want to stick around and hear you bemoan your love life or lack thereof....all he wants is to be your love life.
He doesn't want to hear you say anything in fact unless its that you want to be with him

I couldn't give my friend that...so i gave him goodbye.

And now i'm heartbroken and missing him, but knowing that i'm doing the right thing cheers me a little bit.

He's mad as hell at me, and i understand.
I hope he moves on...finds a great girl and marries her asap.
so that i can find him and become his friend again
coz this sucks
so bad

but what can i do...you can't make someone love you or stop loving you
time heals all wounds...even if it leaves a scar

xox
J

COLLEGE

Today was my last day of classes,
My undergraduate career ended today
no more 8 am classes
no more 10 am classes
no more sitting in classes with sunglasses on drinking vitamin C and praying for the lights to stop buzzing...because i drank too much last night

No more dealing with crazy professors that only think they know what they are talking about
No more immature life
its real life now...

I'm going to miss the atmosphere, the intellecutal feel i get from my campus....its like a haven, it brings me serenity to walk through it on a cold winter day or a hot summer day or a cool spring day!

I can hardly believe 4 years have passed...it seems like just yesterday my parents left me in a room with 3 other girls, waiting for our college career to begin. All i remember is that we held on tight and it was a bumpy ride, i've never had so many highs and lows in my life....i'll do a quick recap...just for prudence sake:

Freshman year: Beth, Kendra, Kelsey, hockey, swimming, Chris, minute maid and malibu, lots of laughter, late night talks, midnight movies with my friends, chinese food and sleepless in seattle with the boys...

Sophmore year: RA, no sleep, working all the time, nanny, lifeguard, Front desk, angry, shot gunning a beer in my resident's shower, calling the cops, passing out drunk in the bathroom...first love, bad breakup, new friends, late night talks, loops, Phillip, and Rosalyn, being carried to the car,

Junior year: chilling at home, watching movies every night, grey's anatomy seasons 1,2, and 3....writing papers studying hard, waking up early to swim in the morning, training for triathalons, working at senators office, dating supervisors, Scott and John, late night drinking binges, talks untill midnight

Senior year: study abroad, best time of my life, found my passions, discovered myself, branching out, trying new things, being a better person, a real person, relaxing, deciding what to do with my life, realizing that everything happens for a reason, to be patient, and to take time to know myself

Wow...4 years led me to where i am now....and i can admit it to myself...I love myself and i love my life

I'm so blessed

i never thought i would say this: Thank you college!!!

xox
J

Itsy bitsy spider

So the itsy bitsy spider climbs up the water spout
and all this rain comes pouring down and washes him back down
does he give up...does he huddle in a small little ball with his legs all curled up?
No
He waits for the sun to come back up and dry up all the rain.
then the itsy bitsy spider climbes up the spout again....
amazing what childrens song rhymes can teach us!

I needed that lesson today
work was rough...i dont normally have a problem with authority, but
i have a problem with my managers

my problem is that i would really like for them to wait until i do something wrong...then to yell at me for it...

Some lady stole a pair of jeans..i notify my manager and she takes me out of the section...so instead of identifying and remedying the problem she ignores it...
and every time she passes by me, she reminds me of something i need to do..
hello! i only have two arms and two legs, i can't do everything at once...thank you captain obvious for pointing out what needs to be done...i'll get to it when i'm done!

oh and the worst part...i'm helping a customer and i get hollered at for not being in the right place....

if'd they really want i'll leave a customer wandering aimlessly around the place, getting frustrated and angry with poor customer service...if that is what they want.

but i know it isn't what they want...so instead i bite my tounge, and i breathe deep and i keep doing what it is i know i should be doing.

Because karma is a real bitch....and the sun always comes back out after the rain...the night is darkest before the dawn....after night comes day...and all that uplifting quote-ness...

Most important moral and lesson from today: Integrity means doing the right thing, even if no one is watching, no one acknowledges and you get hollered at for it...

xox
J

Golden parachute

I had a girls night tonight....
i think it was my first real girls night

I've always seen it in movies and tv shows...and Sex and the City made girls night look like a blasty blast!

but i was never into it...cosmos and boy drama with nail painting and crying over love all night was never my idea of a good time.
I've always liked a pack of corona's some limes, and a good football or basketball game and not too much talking.

But tonight was a great night, i got to let loose and enjoy just the womaness in me...the kind that really loves trashy romance novels, juicy gossip, and guilty pleasure tv shows.....i got to talk about it all, and just be girly for once.

Let me tell you that is not easy, my number of girl friends is easily counted on one hand...in fact you only need two fingers! its sad i know
but its life...i've got plenty of sisters to pick up the slack

Anyways i do have a point for writing today and i will get to it presently:

I am seriously, heavily annoyed with the democratic/republican party....do you really want to kno who we have to blame for all these financial crises that have been plauging up for years? are you ready?
you aren't going to like what you hear....

ok.

its you...
and it's me
and its congress..
and the senate...
and China...
and India...
and Saudi Arabia

need i go on?

Seriously...everyon was out to make a quick buck! everyone...no one wants to suffer over a long period of time in order to fix the financial market...i sure dont want to give up my starbucks for 30 years...do you? I dont want to live in an apartment my whole life because buying a house in reality should be impossible unless you have the money to buy it...

i know i'm simplifying but bear with me

because its true...the market didn't crash itself! and i'm sorry to say but it would take much more then a few million dollars stolen by some crooked CEO's to send the economy tanking...
its all the people who receive bad loans...knowing they will default...its the people who give them the loans...its the republican party for floating the dollar....its the democratic party for removing the remnants of savings and loan regulation....
its everyone

and it sucks...because we are so entrenched in it we have no idea how to disentangle our selves...
so, pardon me while i sip my Starbucks coffee and enjoy the fruits of my $8/per hour labor....
this is a deep problem...and i'm no economist so i wont pretend to know how to fix it
and if you do some research you'll see just how complicated an dfuzzy this problem really gets...i mean if you want to see a magic trick...
check out the ways that trillions of dollars can just disappear without a trace....

Anways i'm done with that soap box...i gotta get some sleep

moral of this story:
girls just want to have fun

xox
J

My Karma just ran over your dogma...

a friend asked me why i believe in Karma today...
and i thought about it and...
never got to answer because she answered her ringing phone and wandered off in a haze of cigarette smoke

but i'll answer to you now.

I believe in karma becuase i've been on the recieving end of it all too often.
I'm the kinda person that is so kind and nice that its scary, and i'm not exaggerting or bragging, i hate it about myself, if i could i would turn myself into a bitch without thinking twice.
being so nice is a chore, people always think they are pulling the wool over your eyes, or using you, or getting the best of you, when in reality
whether they wanted to or not, you'd still just be nice to them...just because.
I'm the girl that gives up her seat on the light rail, that doesn't pitch a fit when my order is all messed up. I chase people down when they have dropped $20. and i buy people i barely know gifts for their birthday, i make tea for people when they are sick, and i watch peoples dogs, babysit their kids, and work incredibly awful hours that no one wants to work...simply to make others lives easier.

But karma always catches me on the bad days...the day when i haven't had enough sleep and i let a door slam shut behind me in someones face...Karma turns on its high alert and starts hunting me down.

last year i killed a mosquito and a week later got bitten by a huge disgusting salivating spider....it was a beast and hurt like heck for about a month.

I believe in karma because it catches me every single time! alot of people get away scott free...so they dont believe in karma
i know better

truly what goes around does come around.

i say all this because these next few weeks are karma...i did some things i shouldn't have done in my time abroad...(what happens in Turkey, stays in Turkey) and now i'm reaping what i sowed because...

I've got more schoolwork then i can possibly complete, and friends pulling on me in every direction to spend time with them, i'm searching for an internship to give me job experience and i started a new job for living sustanability...

My life is chaotic...it was a mess..but now my mess got messier and seems to be spinning out of control and all i can do is let go and let God.

moral of this story...do whatever you want...but remember it will come back to you!

xox
J

It's messy...

I'm a mess...
if you have ever seen Grey's Anatomy...think Meredith's family and boyfriend problems, Izzie's cheerful naive disposition and George's perpetual confusion....and you have me.

that is a mess

i recognize i am a mess now and guess what
i embrace it!

It's me, and i'm young, i'm not supposed to have this life all figured out yet!
I'm not supposed to be a successful career minded individaul on my way to a perfect little nuclear family with a nice cushy job.
My childhood wasn't like that so why should my future look like that

My family is dysfunctional...its true...and i mean really...our issues have issues of their own.
such is life...whatever you have to play the cards your dealt....only cheaters cheat

So here i sit with my messy life...its inconvienent and more then annoying, especially when i go to bed at night with a mind full of all the unsolved problems i have going on....

but at Church today i heard a passage that really opened it all up for me...its Proverbs 29:18 :"Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint."

There are times in my life that i let loose, i mean i do whatever it is that pops into my little idiot mind....and i can safely and honestly say it has rarely ended well.
The times that it has ended well is because i was following Gods guidance and taking a leap of crazy faith. FOr example, swimming for 17 years and then trying out for the pole vault team in track and field with no experience
That was one of the best things i have ever done...but i did with with God's guidance and grace. It was a faith based thing

However, i have all too often let myself go free with no restraints...(for example think along the lines of Meredith Grey dating her boss...)thinking that is how life should be lived...thanks to society's standards (sometimes i watch too many dumb movies and tv shows)

When i do that...i loose sight of my values, my morals, my talents, my abilities, and my goals...i'm just out their floating in a world of nothingness..acheiveing nothing!

Its sad.

So i'm working on being patient and waiting for my revelation from God...my guidance as to what i should do....so that i can be proactive and race towards the life he wants me to have.

And yah...at times waiting on God can be messy and frustrating...like now....when im in the-- graduated from school...but have no job...in a recession...not going to Grad school for a year....what do i do now???-- kind of vaccum.

So yes, i'm a mess...

but hey...God's working on a masterpeice with me, if you dont like what you see then dont look till i'm finished!

xox
J

This ones for the girls

You know...growing up I always thought i'd have to do something radically amazing
to break through that supposed "glass ceiling" hovering over us women
especially American women

you see...American women are already thought of as snobby, stuck up, assertive, and sometimes overly masculine.

You see when i was traveling in southern Turkey which is very traditionalist and conservative, there were parts of town where women didn't go after dark. Even if she was accompanied by a male.
But as an obvious American women, no one said a word about that unwritten rule to me, no one enforced it and they welcomed me into any place i would stop. they would sit and drink tea with me and chat with me about whatever!

I'm not sure if this is because as an American woman, i'm seen as less then a woman or because i'm a foreigner they are happy to make exceptions to their customs...either way American women are different

anyways i thought i was supposed to be bold and beautiful and take the world by the balls and make him submit since nothing would be given to me as a female.

Little did i know that this is a different world then Hilary Clinton would like to make it seem.

I bristled when i heard her speech about her putting a thousand cracks in the proverbial glass ceiling.

what did she think women were doing long before she was born...(granted Upper class women probably weren't doing to much...but that is her class not the majority of American women)

The majority of American women are middle or lower class...meaning our mothers worked hard, took care of children, houses and husbands. Our classes of women have been working for years...not staring up at some ceiling made of glass and hoping and wishing one day for a rich white lady to come and break through it for them.

How arrogant Lady Clinton...and you should be ashamed of yourself!

I'm saying that the only boundaries we have in this world are of our own making....our only limitations are those we put on ourselves....

This blog seemed a lot more coherent when i started out..but sometimes my thoughts lead me places i would never have even considered going.

Moral of this story:
Be as you are....Do what you dream, Follow your passions....nothings stopping you but you.

xox
J